Oprah. You know her. The host of the highest-rated talk show in history. The “Queen of All Media.” Known for her philanthropy, good-hearted air time, she is highly respected, deeply admired, incredibly giving. She has received the Presidential Medal of Freedom and is ranked among the most influential women in the world. You know. Oprah Winfrey. 

One thing you may not know about Oprah is that the number of babies named Oprah increased briefly in the late ’80s. At least 100 people in the country have had the name Oprah- a name unheard of before Oprah Winfrey. 

In 2018, a baby raccoon, too young to even open her eyes, tragically lost her mother and siblings in a farming accident. Devastated, the responsible farmer and his wife decided to take the helpless coon home. Quickly, she captured their affections and became a part of their family. She still resides with them today in Clark, South Dakota. Meet Oprah, the pet raccoon. 

As I begin this blog, I’m fending off Oprah with a bug swatter while I attempt to watch The Office.

When we were talking to Anna and Dean about staying with them for a month, we knew that Oprah was going to be a part of the adventure. When I voiced my apprehension about this situation, Anna acknowledged my fears, and agreeably stated, “Yep, she’s a concern.” Upon arrival to Clark, we were relieved to learn that Oprah was out at the farm- no risk of any mishaps. About three days into our stay, we received some alarming news- Oprah was on the way home. Dean opened the car door to see if she would get in and sure enough she was tired of sleeping in a tree- imagine that. Since that day, Jessie and I have become acquainted with what it looks like to share a home with a pet raccoon. In one word, it’s been… entertaining… and horrifying, because one word can’t describe this. 

Here’s just a glimpse of life with a pet raccoon.

Raccoons are nocturnal animals, so Oprah is awake just about anytime it’s dark out and asleep for a majority of the time it’s light out, which means she’s usually awake when we’re home and sleeping when we’re gone. And she’s pretty social, guaranteeing that mornings and evenings include time with Oprah. The perfect window of opportunity to interact with Oprah is the first two minutes after she wakes up. She’s sleepy-eyed, gentle, and slow. The worst time to interact with Oprah is the rest of the time. In the evenings she’s re-energized from a full day’s sleep and the presence of her audience, or minions. She struts about playing with her toys, attempts to pull down anything on the higher surfaces, and sits at our feet during dinner, reminding us to appreciate the comfort of toes that are still intact. One evening I was foolish enough to sit in her favorite chair, so I had to endure an incredibly uncomfortable pick-pocket experience. I didn’t have anything in my pockets, so she kept digging deeper until she found something I really didn’t want her to find. It was borderline abuse. 

Several evenings, Jessie, Anna, and I have attempted to watch a show or movie. We watched Fargo, Guardians of the Galaxy, Stranger Things, The Handmaid’s Tale, The Office, and Fear the Walking Dead. First off, I feel the most up-to-date with mainstream media that I have ever been. Second off, I’m not really that up-to-date because we were regularly interrupted by a raccoon that either wants to crawl on our laps, sit behind our heads, “playfully” bite our toes, or tip over our drinks. We use a big swatter to keep her back. It’s mostly a placebo, but we’ll take the boosted confidence. Interestingly, Oprah watched the first three minutes of Fargo with us, and she was emotionally affected by a scene involving a car heading towards the camera. It touched something inside her I suppose. 

Our bedroom is across the hallway from the bathroom and next to another bedroom. Our bedroom door and the bathroom door must be closed at all times to prevent her from wreaking havoc on everything we have. Nighttime bathroom visits involve a quick sprint across the hallway because it’s scary to be in a dark house with a coon and even scarier to be in a bathroom with one if she sneaks in while we’re crossing. The other bedroom door must be open because that’s her bedroom. Entering her bedroom is like entering my bedroom after I’ve had chili and lasagna. It wreaks! Every time! 

While the house we’re staying in is only nine months old, everything is child-locked, the fridge is taped shut, and some doors are even locked. These aren’t left-over protective measures from the recent days of curious infants. No, these are blockades for a mischievous raccoon that gets into EVERYTHING! 

Two days ago, Oprah turned bonkers. Usually, when we get ready in the morning, we close her in a room, so we don’t have to worry about a sneak attack, and then let her out when we leave. She’s usually biting her tail or napping, so it’s not a problem. On this particular morning, she refused the isolation. She chewed on the door, scratched the wood, rattled the door handle. We let her out and left for the day. When we came home, she hadn’t changed. Anna claimed that she got to hug her before we arrived, but we saw no such kindness. This house was hers. Jessie and I attempted to prepare dinner while Oprah successfully took Anna’s phone out of its case. Then we tried to set the table, and she messed it all up. Every time we wanted into a drawer or the fridge, she was there. And she was feisty. If we tried to fend her off, she snorted at us (it sounds like a hybrid between a pig snort and a snarl). We wanted to close her in a room again, but with enough time she would have ripped the door off the hinges. When we let her out, she strolled about like a restless lunatic, mouth wide open. Jessie and I watched her from outside while our food got cold. 

Oprah’s personality can be summed up in the well-known mantra of her namesake, with a slight bent: “I get a nap, and I get a treat, and I get everything you think you own!” 

The beauty of it is, Anna and Dean love her very much. Anna wrestles with her (using welding gloves), and Dean puts treats in his pocket for her to fish out while sitting on his lap (in her favorite chair). She has as many children’s toys as a toddler. When she disturbs Anna’s and Dean’s sleep again, they laugh it off. 

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And there’s always a vanilla marshmallow nearby when she’s good (They’re her favorite). So, we are learning to appreciate Oprah, though we’ll never fully understand their adoration for her. Nevertheless, she’s the most entertaining pet we know. 

Many an evening Oprah reaches under our door, hoping to feel a little closer to us. At first, the sight of just her paw under the door felt closer to a horror movie than an endearing gesture. Over time we warmed up to her intrusive reaches and it turned out to be quite cute.

So go, get yourself a pet raccoon. See what it’s like. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to hold its hand.